People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
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my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes