Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
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My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
I love the honesty