It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
You Might Also Like
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
I’m a bad influence on myself.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.