*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
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Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
scared to check what name she chose