Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
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Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.