I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
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on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.