Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
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KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
My dream job is getting paid to dream
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.