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You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
My dog after a walk in the woods.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)