I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
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this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school