[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
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asking santa clause for nudes
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.