Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
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If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Botany good plants lately?