My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
You Might Also Like
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.