Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
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I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.