Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
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Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.