*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
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UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
reviewed some movies recently
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!