my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
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for all #parents out there
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.