When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
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ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
no cat here
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti