[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
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“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Friends that check up on you >
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
marvel comics have peaked
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.