[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
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Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it