“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
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DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
These are too funny not to post 😂
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
how it started vs how it ended
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital