Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
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TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
This guy gets it.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Word!
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”