It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
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Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires