My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
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Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Only short people can save us
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer