Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
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[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Mistakes were made
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.