My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
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Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad