Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
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I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
#Caturday
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.