“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
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[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
The Birdles