Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
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Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
birds and squirrels envy us
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.