I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
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I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order