Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
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Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.