*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
You Might Also Like
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Me, flirting😏
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd