Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
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I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?