Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
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No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Trying
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke