EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
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“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.