Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
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Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face