[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
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HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.