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[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Omg 🤣
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”