My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
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30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.