but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
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If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Encore…
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring