[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
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At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down