Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
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ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*