I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
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“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”