“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
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When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea