Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
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when dads have a rap battle
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan