The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
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God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Breakfast for Stoners:
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.