“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
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[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.