How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
You Might Also Like
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.