When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
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Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
A game married people play.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”