What do you hear?
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i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Jurassic park gets weird
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Well, my evening plans are ruined