What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
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Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
it was love at first sight
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.